


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,164 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [49]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8176019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Obi battles inner demons as well as his arch nemesis. 
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE - Day 1,164 (Part II):

As I flew through the air, I was ready to bring my saber down on Kilgore. Then things...changed. I seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt like I was suspended in midair, leisurely moving towards my target. I became aware of the insects that hovered around me. I could hear their movement and feel their wings delicately blowing against my cheek. I felt every speck of dust and sand as they floated by. The sunbeams were alive. They massaged my face while also dancing across Kilgore's bald head. I realized that I had never felt more alive. Even more shocking to me was that I was happy, truly happy! I looked at Kilgore/Mace and felt great compassion for the man. No, we were never really friends, he had the personality of a block of wood, but he was one of the last Jedi in the galaxy. We shared something that only a handful of people could. I wanted to give him a big warm hug. 

Still barely moving through the air, I gave Kilgore the biggest, brightest smile I could muster. I felt miniature smiles shooting out of my eyes at him. He cocked his head slightly, and in a slow electronic voice said, "Wwwhhhaaattt ttthhheee fffuuuccc..."

That's when I knew. The hallucinogens Chewie had given me for pain was making me trip my Jedi balls off. Knowing this, regular time resumed, and in a blink I was standing on the transport ship face-to-face with Kilgore. 

"Why are you acting so weird, Kenobi?" he asked. 

"Neber youssmind," I slurred, in response. 

Kilgore lunged at me, and our lightsabers made contact. I felt like I was on automatic pilot as we slapped our sabers together. I became distracted by the beautiful blue and purple trails they left behind. 

"I'm gonna finish yo' ass once and for all," Kilgore snarled. 

Why was this guy so mean? Just a few seconds ago I was the happiest man in the galaxy. Now this guy is just being so...mean. I don't get it. 

Kilgore did a forward flip over me, and as he hit the ground below I was still swinging wildly in the air above me. 

Noticing that my foe had moved, I exclaimed, "Ah-ha! I have the high ground."

"What?!" Kilgore looked up at me, and put his hands on his hips. "That doesn't make a lick of sense, fool."

I agreed, and ran away from him. I moved across the top of the transport to the other side and found Han and Chewie in a shootout with Greedo, Bossk, and Dengar. Multicolored laser beams flew back and forth between the two parties. 

"Oohhh, pretty," I said to no one in particular. 

"Have you lost your damn mind, Kenobi?!" Kilgore yelled up from the beneath the ship. "Stop hiding up there "

"Ok fine," I started, "I'll come down. Sheesh."

"You been smoking death sticks or something?" Kilgore inquired. 

"No," I said, jumping off the ship. "I just don't like how mean you've become."

"What?!"

"Yeah, sorry, but you've become like...real mean. It's not the Jedi way, is all."

"Mean?" Kilgore shook his head in disbelief. "Unlike you, I finally became aware of the lies of the Jedi. And now, I'm not scared of the dark side like you are..."

I've had this conversation before. Kilgore's face began to mutate as he spoke. 

"Join me, Kenobi. Together we can take down The Emperor and Vader."

I was distracted by his face which continued to morph. His skin lightened, hair grew from the top of his head, the breathing apparatus disappeared and a different face formed. 

"I, I, I, can't join you, Anakin."

"Anakin?! Kenobi, you're trippin'. So check this, if you don't join me, you're my enemy, see?"

Anakin stood before me, his face was healed. He was dressed in Kilgore's black life-suit, and sported a Jedi mullet. 

I lit my saber and blurted out, "Only a Sith deals in absolutes!"

"Well, yeah. Duh," Kilgore snickered. 

"So you don't like sand, huh?!" I swung wildly. "You think I like being stuck on this sandy asshole of a planet, protecting your child from you?! You've ruined my life, you whiny punk!"

I attacked Anakin with a new found fury, pounding my saber against his again and again. I couldn't stop. I knew Anakin had to be destroyed. 

"Daaaamn, son," Kilgore said, "you've been practicing."

"You were my brother, Anakin," I screamed while striking over and over. "But I will end your evil reign."

Kilgore took a step back. "You know, Kenobi, your lunacy is kind of killing the moment for me." He raised his hand and began Force choking me. 

I raised my hand and did the same. We lifted each other off the ground in unison. The pain brought me back to reality and that's when Anakin turned back into Kilgore. I made a mental note to kick Chewie in his overly hairy balls for giving me those Bockta flowers. 

Kilgore and I reached a stalemate, and we released each other. He attempted to Force push me, but I countered his attack and neither one of us could move the other. 

"Well...then...," Kilgore strained against me, "it seems this battle will not be won with our knowledge of the Force. So sabers it is!" With that he threw his saber at me. It nicked my dueling arm slightly, putting me off balance. 

"Boys!" Kilgore screamed, and did a triple flip into my chest, crushing my already broken ribs. 

I fell to the ground in agony, and tried frantically to catch my breath. That's when Kilgore put his plan into action. He Force pushed me along the floor and into the foyer where Han and Chewie were holed up. Then his three bounty hunters each threw a device, two stuck to opposing walls and one to the floor. A force field erupted from the devices. We were trapped. 

Chewie helped me up, but I had to stand hunched over due to the pain. Han grabbed my other arm to offer me support. 

"You've lost, mothafuckas!" Kilgore was standing on his transport again, gloating over us. "I know you tried your best, but your best sucked. So we won! We got the transport filled with filthy Wookiees, and you got dick."

"We’ve got our lives, Kilgore," I struggled to speak. "And we will find you, destroy you, and liberate the Wookiees."

"Yeah, about that..." he began. 

Boba Fett walked out of the ship. By his posture I could immediately tell that he was under Kilgore's control. He walked up to the force field and stopped. 

Kilgore jumped down off the ship and stood next to Boba Fett. "This greatly saddens me."

"What? That you're so damn ugly?" Han chimed in. 

Kilgore turned to Boba, " You know, I like that kid. He's got balls." Turning back to me his eyes widened and I could tell that there was a smile under his breathing apparatus. "It saddens me that little Luke Skywalker isn't here to die with the rest of you."

"Don't you dare..." I started to say. 

"But!" Kilgore cut me off. "I'll just have to come back when I'm the new Lord of the Sith and kill that little bitch nice and slow like."

Chewie held me back from my futile attempt to murder the bastard. 

"All aboard, boys! Boba, do your thing."

As the three bounty hunters loaded into the transport, Boba Fett walked through what we discovered was a one sided force field. He stood motionless beside us. 

"It's three against one, Kilgore." I tried not to sound too desperate. "You don't think we can take him?"

"You will try," he said, and began to laugh his hideous laugh. He then boarded the ship and it took off without hesitation. 

The three of us exchanged glances. We couldn't believe he had just gotten away. "We'll get them back, Chewie," I tried to reassure him. 

"Yeah," Han added, "and we'll make ugly pay!"

Then it got silent as we all wondered what to do with Boba, who stood quiet and motionless. 

"Boba," I said, "Kilgore is gone. You don't have to do whatever it is he told you to do."

"Freedom of choice, man," Chewie added. 

"Boba," I began, while attempting to reach out to him with my mind, "you're with us now. Kilgore, err...Mace, the man that brutally murdered your father has escaped. If you work with us we can still have time to take him out."

No movement from Boba Fett.

Chewie roared and smacked Boba across the helmet, knocking him to the ground. 

"Jeez Fluffy, I thought you were a peace loving tree climber," Han laughed. 

Boba got to his hands and knees and said, "What the hell is going on?"

The three of us helped him to his feet. "Are you with us, Boba?" I nearly begged for an affirmative. 

"Yes," he said, shaking his helmet. "What's going on? How did I end up here?"

"That's a long story, friend," I smiled at him, "but for now we have to concentrate on getting out of..."

Without warning, Boba's jetpack began beeping. 

"Ah...what's that?" Han asked nervously. 

"I don't know," Boba said, reaching around himself to feel for any new device on his back. "Can you see where it's coming from?"

Chewie squatted down to take a look. The beeps started going faster and faster. "I think we're dealing with a countdown, man," Chewie gave his expert opinion. 

"We need out of this force field," Han said, looking around wildly for a way out. 

"I don't think there's time," I said, fearing this was the end. 

The beeps were now almost continuous. "It's gonna blow!" 

"I'm sorry, Boba!" I yelled, and gave him a Force push away from us.

There was a blinding white light, followed by a deafening boom. I had held the Force push long enough so that most of the explosion was contained to Boba and the force field. I lowered my hand and looked to my friends. Chewie was holding a passed out Han in his arms. It appeared that Han's only injury was a piece of shrapnel that cut his chin open. Chewie had a few smoking bald spots in his fur. My left shoulder had been shattered, and we all had an overwhelming ringing in our ears. 

That's when I noticed Boba. All of his limbs, and the bottom part of his torso, were blown to bits. The force field was gone as well. 

"Chewie!" I acted fast. "Can you care for Han while I get help for Boba?"

"Sure man, anything."

I ran out to the street and grabbed the first two weak minded Stormtroopers I could find. I convinced them to follow me back to the docking bay. Chewie reached for his blaster when he saw them. 

"Relax my friend," I instructed. Then I turned to the troopers and said, "This young man is Boba Fett, you will do anything necessary in order to save his life. Pick him up and get him to a medical droid, immediately."

The Empire's finest did what they were told, leaving poor Boba's shattered limbs on the floor. 

Han had woken up and was back on his feet. I wiped a trickle of blood from his injured chin. "Hey kid," I smiled at him, "seems like you just received your first battle scar."

"Wizard!" he yelled, as his hearing was still affected by the blast. 

"What now, dude?" Chewie asked. 

"We steal you the first ship we can find and you two go after Kilgore."

"What? You're not coming, gramps?" Han sounded like I had broken his heart. 

I rested my hands on my knees and tried to look as sympathetic as possible. "I'm sorry young one, my primary mission is to protect Luke. I can't leave this world. I've also had the shit kicked out of me two days in a row. I'm falling apart."

"Ok," Han lowered his head and kicked some rubble. "I understand."

As fate would have it, Boba Fett's ship, Slave I, was in the next docking bay. "I believe Boba would give us his blessing to borrow his ship in order to apprehend the man that murdered his father." 

Chewie and Han agreed, and hugged me goodbye, causing me an overwhelming amount of pain. But if they were successful it would all be worth it. They took off within seconds. Kilgore's slow transport would be no match for Slave I. 

As for myself, I dragged my battered body to my landspeeder and headed for the Lars homestead. I was gone longer than I had promised. Part of me hoped Owen would give me a hard time about that because I was still in ass-kicking mode, despite my injuries. 

Arriving at the moisture farm I instantly knew something was wrong. I sensed no one. Hopefully Owen took Luke on a supply run. Otherwise I might be putting someone else in a life-suit. 

I limped my way into the empty domicile. Before I got down the flight of stairs I could see a handwritten note on the table. I was not going to be happy. 

Picking it up, it read:

"Obee-Wan,  
I haat you for breakin up my femaily, you Jedii scumm. I took Luk to wear youl nevah find him. When I gets Beru back, youl gets Luke back. Intil then dont trie to find us. I hope you dy a lone in your hutt. Jerk!  
Owen Lars"

At least he spelled his name right. That illiterate bastard was going to pay for putting Luke in danger once again. There were so many times I could have just let him die. Why am I such an idiot?!

I crawled up the staircase and dragged myself toward the landspeeder. The endless landscape of dunes began to spin uncontrollably. Somewhere in the blur I noticed several Jawas. Then everything went white and I landed face down in the sand. It felt so nice to lose consciousness.


End file.
